We have things to complain about. I just got a form letter from PG&E informing me that my mailing address, which has served them well for a decade, "does not meet standard postal codes."

The Form Letter Department at PG&E could call up the Meter Reading Department and find out what our address is, and save themselves the postage, and me the torment, and you having to listen to me report the torment. If you get one of these letters, you can tell me about YOUR torment. I'll listen.

What brings complaining to mind is a new book about the passenger side of commercial aviation written by a long-time flying waiter, known as a "flight attendant" or "F/A" in airplanese. This particular F/A flies for a major US carrier and understandably signs his book A. Frank Steward.

Mr. Steward's book is titled The Air Traveler's Survival Guide. It's not so much a survival guide as a consciousness raiser for passengers. The many short essays concern life in the air with hundreds of strangers flying thousands of miles.

First off, don't pay for first class, he cautions. Buy a new car instead. Mile High Club? There is no Mile High Club, just a lot of dirty stories that may or may not be true. Safest place to sit in case of a survivable crash? Far to the rear. Except the last rows seldom get the dinner they ordered. Sometimes not even dinner.

In Safety Dance A. Frank Steward tells of passenger Nick, who always had to sit in seat 34C. "He became quite a regular on my route. He was the interesting type that I look for in all passengers. Plenty of stories to tell, funny jokes, but we always ended up talking about this seat superstition... He was 34 when he met his wife, his house address is 34, and his wife's bra size is, get this, 34C."

Nick collected a lot of frequent flyer miles, but always refused upgrades to first class. He had to sit in 34C. On one flight when the seat was broken and blocked off, he exited and flew a day later. The last time Nick sat in 34C "the light and audio were broken, only at that seat. A baby vomited on his shoes. A F/A spilled hot coffee in his lap, condensation dripped on his head, and the man in 34B had the worst case of body odor ever... It was an especially hard landing, but only one overhead bin (had) opened... a large suitcase landed directly on top of Nick. He was taken away by paramedics to be treated for a broken collarbone and a bruised spine."

Several months later, A. Frank Steward met Nick on a flight. You'll have to read that chapter to discover where Nick was seated.

The Air Traveler's Survival Guide is mostly light, entertaining reading, except for the scary and disgusting parts. You might want to bring along a copy on your next flight. Or maybe not. Reading "Things That Go Bump in the Flight" or "Not Every Question is a Good One" will only make nervous flyers more nervous. In many places the book's a hoot; in others it's enlightening.

Anyone who's ever done waiting, bartending or other public-serving work for a living will relate to the ghastly, grim or funny tales of F/A's in the sky. Careful readers will gather useful insight into how passenger behavior appears to the mostly smiling F/As who work those long, long aisles.

And please, punch the little Call Button only when you REALLY can't get up and get a glass of water by yourself, OK?

I will be away at a music workshop in Prague next week. I hope to meet some nice F/A's on the way over and back. Words on Books should resume on March 1, if everything goes as anticipated. Meanwhile, read a lot of books. See you next month.

Aired Friday February 8, 2002 at 8:35 am and Sunday February 10, 2002 at 6:55 pm

Orders/Information:

The Air Traveler's Survival Guide by A. Frank Steward. Impact Publications. Paperback $14.95. ISBN 1570231710